Man Cakes

First of all, I want to thank Fast Paleo for inspiring this idea and igniting my inner evil. At church, our ladies group (known as Relief Society to those of you who are not from Utah or Mormon) had a fun meet and treat social right around Halloween. I signed up to bring some cupcakes, thinking I'd show off my pumpkin chocolate chip cookies or some gluten free commodity. I wanted to dazzle somehow. Then Fast Paleo posted their meat cupcake recipe. Suddenly, my inner Nefarious Scientist went "Liiiiight-buuuulb!"

(Pretend the girls are Fast Paleo & the device is meat cupcakes. I'm, obviously, evil genius Gru)

The quest was on. I knew I could one-up the recipe by unleashing my inner Primal baker. Plus, it's Halloween, baby! Nobody ever does tricks anymore. Trick or treat? I choose trick!

What you'll need:

1 lb ground beef (don't bother using grass fed, cuz you might piss off you friends and they'll throw it away when they bite into your cupcake-lined evil genius)
frozen cauliflower
1 egg
1/4c sour cream
garlic powder
black pepper
marjoram
sage
oregano
basil
parmesan
rosemary
tomato paste
food gel
edible glitter (definitely NOT Primal, but we're pulling out all the stops here. You could easily dye some sea salt for a similar effect)
festive cupcake liners (I chose pirates for 5 obvious reasons!)
muffin tin

Preheat oven 350F
Place ground beef, herbs, egg, and parmesan into bowl and mix well.

Really get in there! Use your hands. They're not called meat hooks for nothin' ya know!

(By the way, don't ever let anyone tell you that you need some sort of bread crumb to hold meatloaf together. If you put enough dry herbs and spices in, it stays together JUST FINE!)

Line muffin pan with cupcake liners

Form into meatballs and drop into cupcake liners. You can pat them down when they're all evenly divided.

Place in oven. Bake 30 mins.

When they are done, I encourage you to remove the cupcakes and drain them off. You & I may like liquid critter pudge, but your fat-phobic friends may not. Do them a favor, make them slightly less pissy, and drain your man cakes!
Plus it's not grass fed, so you really should drain off all that golden not-so-good-ness ;)

(Honestly, I just switched my cakes into new liners)

Allow cupcakes to cool. You don't want your "icing" sliding off!

Meanwhile, steam cauliflower until tender. Drain well. Place in food processor. Follow my recipe for Smashed Cauliflower, reducing sour cream down to 1/4 cup. You can add more later if necessary, but the smashed cauliflower needs to be pretty stiff to look like buttercream frosting!

Separate smashed cauliflower into at least 2 batches. To one batch, add the food gel dye and mix until very well blended, reaching desired color.

Do the same for the other batches. I chose red and white for this. Place into ziploc sandwich bags and seal. Clip end off to form piping bag.

To gallon-size ziploc, cut small hole in corner and squeeze through a piping tip until snug.

Place separate colored bags into gallon ziploc, feeding the snipped tips into the piping tip.
Alternatively, you may also use a piping bag if you have one. Just keep your bag on its side, spoon in a color, rotate, spoon in another color, etc.

Waste-pipe a couple of inches on to a paper towel or plate until you get an even distribution of colors.

(mmm... looks like intestine... or pepto bismal...)

Just prior to piping, take some tomato paste and place on top of your Man Cakes

Pipe on to your cooled cupcakes.

Sprinkle with your edible glitter.

Serve. Sit back and smirk. Have fun watching your friends' reactions!

I've toyed with the idea of being an evil genius for Halloween, but, c'mon. How original would that be? I am an evil genius EVERY. DAY.

PJF Pimped Out Caramel Apples

Ingredients:

1c coconut sugar
1/2c water
1/4c molasses
2T EVCO
1/4c butter
Chocolate Covered Macadamias (or mini chocolate chips & macadamias)
La Nouba Marshmallows (if you are opposed to malitol, go for regular marshmallows instead. I just like La Nouba b/c they are low carb)
Uncured Bacon
Apples (it is essential these are room temperature)
Skewers
A blowtorch (optional)
Very fine grit sandpaper
dowels

Before we get to making caramel, you're going to want to prepare your pimping accessories.

Cook bacon until slightly crispy.

Remove from grease and pat dry. Place in food processor and pulse into bits.

In clean food processor, place chocolate macadamias, and pulse into larger bits.

Chop up marshmallows

Lightly sand your apples. I'm not talking about grinding them out like you're getting freaky with them, just a light dusting (enough to take the shine off of them) to give them some tooth. Rinse well and dry super well. Plunge dowels into center of apple.

Just for comparison. The one on the right has been sanded, the one on the left has not.

In medium saucepan, warm sugar and water. Add molasses. Follow instructions for my Coconut Caramel Sauce. Basically you're going to boil that 1/2c of water off slowly.

Around 10 mins, just before you add 1/4c butter (pay attention as the sauce calls for 2T, and caramel apples here call for 1/4c), add your EVCO.
Remove from heat. Allow to cool slightly. If it gets too thick, you can put it back on the heat for a moment.

Dip apples into caramel sauce, turning slowly to coat well.

Immediately roll into your toppings.

Set on to parchment paper until caramel is set.

Boys, get out you blow torches and puff those marshmallows!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Bacon Wrapped Scallops

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Fish is your friend! Fish is so easy and fast to make, you should keep it stocked as a go-to item when you're in a time crunch for meals.
Scallops, shrimp, and lobster are probably my favorite underwater bugs. The problem with scallops and shrimp is they can be a little tricky to cook. Undercooked they can be unpalatable (well, except for cocktail shrimp), overcooked and you're chewing on rubber. The trick is simply to pay attention to the clock and stay nearby and alert.
This basic bacon wrapped scallop is a cinch to throw together and have on the table in less than 45 mins (that includes prep time!).

What you'll need:

scallops (preferably wild caught)
uncured bacon
skewers
brown sugar (optional)
vegetables (optional, but encouraged. We like to use peppers, summer squashes, and onions)

Preheat oven 350F

Make sure you scallops are defrosted. If you forgot to take them out, run them under some very warm water for just a minute or two until they are pliable. Pat dry.

Open bacon, and slice into thirds.

Wrap bacon around scallop and skewer. You may choose to add vegetable in between each scallop

Place on baking sheet lined with tinfoil. At this time, you may sprinkle on some brown sugar if you desire.

Place in oven for 30 mins, undisturbed. Brace yourself for the smell of intense deliciousness!

Scallops should be soft and buttery, but not raw. The bacon should be slightly chewy.

Here's an example of bacon wrapped scallops with veggies:

Tuck in, dudes!

S'more Crumble

I was in a very naughty dessert mood, and if there's any excuse to sneak chocolate into my day, I will find it! Plus who doesn't love s'mores?

What you'll need:

La Nouba marshmallows (you may wish to use regular marshmallows, are make your own, if you have issues with malitol as a sweetener. I choose La Nouba b/c they are VLC and help me stay on target, personally. You have to do what works for Y-O-U!)
Good quality dark chocolate chunks
1/4c Cinnamon
1/4c Coconut Palm Sugar or Xylitol (powdered Stevia also acceptable)
1/2c almond meal
1/2c coconut flour
1/4c EVCO
2 eggs

Preheat oven to 350F

In large bowl, mix egg, almond meal, cinnamon, and EVCO until it begins to crumble.


Gently crumble 1/2 of mixture into glass dish.

Place marshmallows and chocolate chunks on top. This part is all about preference, depending on how "s'moresy" you want it. I ended up using 2 packages of marshmallows in mine.

Crumble remainder of mixture.

Bake in oven 25 mins or until marshmallows get toasty & gooey.

Serve with a scoop of vanilla gelato, and a drizzle of chocolate syrup (optional)

PJF Carob BBQ Oxtail

This post brought to you by

The idea of offal to a lot of people can be a turn off. Even I have my limits, but after trying chicken hearts, marrow, and oxtail, I'm a fan.
That's right.
Oxtail.
If you don't know what it is, it's exactly what it sounds like. The bones from the tail of a bovine.
Stop wrinkling your nose at me!
If you love BBQ, you'll like this.
I promise it is not awful offal.

What you'll need:

Oxtail (you'll want at least 4 sections for just yourself, cuz it's awesome. Mine is spectacularly awesome b/c it's from grass fed critter, courtesy of Christiansen Family Farm)
1/4c mustard (I like stone ground)
2T sage
2T rosemary
1T cumin
3T carob powder (you can use cocoa, but then it would be chocolate bbq oxtail. I really like both, because they give a lot of depth to a dish. Try cocoa powder in your chili some time! We're using carob today, because it has a rich, smoky flavor to it.)
fresh cracked black pepper to taste
molasses (optional, but nice)


NOTE: I do want to forewarn you that cook time is at least 2 hours
Preheat Oven 300F (low and slow is the way to go, baby! If you have a lot of time, you can take the temperature down to 200-250 for 3 hours or more)
On large plate, measure out sage, rosemary, cumin, carob, and crack in your black pepper, mix evenly

Coat oxtail with mustard (you may wish to drizzle in some molasses with your mustard. It's not necessary, but it adds a nice touch. Mix well if you decide to take this route).

Roll oxtail in your herb/spice mixture

and place into glass baking dish.

Cook 2 hours, turning over once at the hour mark.

Plate with your favorite BBQ Sides and enjoy!

PJF Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies

I tell everyone, shamelessly, that my winter holidays are not complete without pumpkin chocolate chip cookies and a big glass of nog. In fact, I refuse to observe Halloween until I have had my cookie and nog!
Alas, no gluten free cookie has satisfied my hunger for the pumpkin chocolate chip cookies I got at my grocery store. They are buttery, and chewy, and cake like, and dense, and oh so decadent! I HAD to find a way to replicate them.

What you'll need:

3c pumpkin puree (Libby's makes a great one!)
1/3c coconut flour
1c Tropical Traditions Coconut Peanut Butter (Peanut Butter & Co and/or Barney Butter are also acceptable, buuut...

I'M GIVING AWAY A JAR OF COCONUT PEANUT BUTTER BELOW!

)
2 eggs
1 tsp baking powder
1/2c xylitol or powdered stevia (less if you want a more savory cookie)
1/4c cinnamon
1/4c allspice
2T nutmeg
2T ginger
1 bag of high quality chocolate chunks (the darker, the better!)

Grab a friend, cuz this stuff gets a little tiresome to stir. So having an extra set of rested hands is going to help you!

Put everything into a big bowl.

Mix super well

Line cookie sheet with some parchment paper, then drop cookies on to sheet.

Alternatively you can make balls and pat down a little bit. Personally I like the random drop method better.

Bake 15 mins. I know it doesn't seem like long enough, but trust me. They finish baking AFTER you remove them!

Remove from cookie sheet and allow to cool. They are pretty delicate at this stage, so try not to bother them too much for the first 5-10 mins.

Enjoy!

NUTRITIONAL PROFILE (makes 15 REALLY BIG cookies):
259 cals, 18g fat, 24g carb (16g net carb, tyvm Mr. Coconut Flour!), 7g protein, 15 mg sodium
Let's see you grocery bakery top that one, folks!

TROPICAL TRADITIONS COCONUT PEANUT BUTTER GIVEAWAY!

Thanks to the generosity of our friends at Tropical Traditions, I am able to share a jar of their delicious coconut peanut butter with you. However, you have to read this review first.

REVIEW OF TROPICAL TRADITIONS COCONUT PEANUT BUTTER

My Primal/Paleo friends are probably having coronaries right now, but guess what. I LOVE PEANUT BUTTER! Get over it.
In the words of the almighty Rivvin on Marks Daily Apple, "I eat peanut butter, cuz F-- you, THAT'S WHY!"
Honestly, the no peanut butter rule is really stupid.

First of all I want to THANK Tropical Traditions for this opportunity to review their coconut peanut butter. I've been curious about it for quite some time, so I was really excited to try it. The ingredients are simple: coconut & peanuts. No preservatives, or scary chems. Just pure, unadulterated deliciousness. The serving size is adequate (about what you'd get at the store), but obviously the nutritional profile is better.
"No, it can't be, it's peanuts!" say my Primal friends
"But it's coconut"
"But--"
"I SAID COCONUT!"
We all know how we all feel about coconut. We are nuts for coconuts! That said, I feel that this little jar of happiness could use a bit of sweetener, but otherwise it's great, and I just HAD to include it in my pumpkin chocolate chip cookie recipe. In fact, I promised Tropical Traditions I'd invent a recipe featuring their coconut peanut butter. So there you have it.
Want a jar? Here's how you get it!

• Get at least 1 new friend to "Like" Tropical Traditions on Facebook
• Get at least 1 new friend to "Like" The Primal Junk Foodie on Facebook
• Follow Tropical Traditions on Twitter @troptraditions. If you already do this, get a friend to follow them
• Follow The Primal Junk Foodie on Twitter @PrimalJnkFoodie. If you already do this, encourage a friend to do so
• Subscribe to the Primal Junk Foodie RSS feed by clicking "subscribe" above
• Tell me what you're gonna do with your jar of Coconut Peanut Butter!
• Bottom line: Whoever brings the most new "like"rs to the Primal Junk Foodie Facebook page by October 31st WINS! Just make sure they say who sent them, and I will keep track!